falling and falling

apart. I need to write and read and not fall asleep. I have two classes coming up in an hour, and I've had four absences, maybe five. I'm down to just one more before I get kicked out. what is wrong with me? I'm taking a break from roleplaying. it's taking too much from me. i guess i'm just not used to it. not to mention it's such a good excuse to procrastinate, because i don't exactly feel that i am, in fact, wasting time i should instead set aside for reading and completing paperwork. the smokes keep the bugs away. and for some reason i keep needing a shower. i feel like i have no control over anything these days. and with all the events coming up, the house, the gate, the decorations, i'm just so overwhelmed. and the thing is, it's not the amount of task that's daunting, it's my inability to stick to a fucking schedule and do things in a systematic way. it's not sad or grave, i'm just lazy. and i hate myself for it. but i'm glad i'm finally able to feel my hands now. and my heart beating and notice my head and lungs cloud up when i take a drag off of the cigarette. i like the me now, albeit incoherent and somewhat contradictory. i like to write. it's all i ever seem to do. and yet i don't see myself getting better at it, which is in itself a problem when the quality of writing is so dependent on the way you feel and what comprises you as a person in a specific combination of time and space and all that occurs in between.

i have a class to go to and i'm off to take a shower.

I cleaned the house today. Actually, it doesn’t even look all that pristine, but at least I can see the floor now. There have been plenty of moths the other day and Ellis had fun murdering each one till they drop on the floor all creamed and dead. I haven’t figured out a way to get rid of all the stains. Floor’s wooden and we have yet to buy wax and a replacement light bulb. I like the whole decorating the house thing. Hopefully, I’ll get to do it with my sister this weekend. She’s coming up for college. Ah, college. Your embrace is a fortress.

Here we go again.

You see, I've been piling up orders so I can earn at least $300 a month. It's very ambitious considering the pace I'm going. It doesn't look possible. Anywho, I like the part where I get paid and the money accumulates in my online bank account, because once it becomes available through the ATM, it's all gone. And the thing is, I'm not even spending on anything valuable. It's not like I can go on a day without eating. Of course I can, but I wouldn't want to. It's just not gonna happen. I wish I could have pizza for tonight. I've been wanting Chinese take-out, too. But the money just isn't enough with all the bills we have to pay. I'm not even getting anything after this month, and I've already spent a fortune on cab fares. It's unfair and stupid. I keep getting stuck with phonies. I'm happy I'm finally leaving on the 8th. I just can't take it anymore. I can't keep doing charity. My whole life has been charity. Sometimes I wish everyone who pisses me off would just go die in a hole and shut the hell up. I never do get pissed off, though. I'm actually nice, to my surprise. 

The money I'm saving for is meant for our trip to Singapore in October. It's obvious how much I want it. 

Milk is absolutely splendid. I cannot stop smoking, however. I just keep going on and on till my throat dries up. Milk makes the aftertaste seem pleasant; unpleasant , at times; but I haven't got water left at home, not even for iced tea. Perhaps I should bring home 2 liters of Coke tonight. I'm ranting as a pre-conditioning. I have to write a long paper on Wuthering Heights. A Character Analysis on Heathcliff. It's easy, but I just don't feel like completing it at the moment. I need sleep. =(

We are making homemade burgers today. Good ol' American beef patties. We be grillin' at John Hay under the tall pine trees for lunch while watching Leverage episodes and reading books on the grass afterwards. Trollope is like a sassy friend. Such a fast-talker! It's rare for me to finish half of such a thick, thin-font book but he had lovely heroines who were easy to the eyes.

Last night was great for the both of us. He had the game all to himself at the living room while I spent some thinking and smoking outside. Tears are such sweet riches and The Strokes are good friends. I only like the balcony at nights and early mornings; and the bed all to myself only when I can hear him in the next room. I fell asleep until 4AM. He lay down beside me and told me stories that used to be terrible.

Red smirks and laughs at me. He's adorable as always.

Currently listening to: Come Go With Me, The Dell-Vikings